No Longer Scared of My Mind

sunset-485016_1280

Life and this world is beautiful and wondrous. Actually, how would I know. The only thing I ever experience really is the vast wondrous universe of my mind. Even if I get up and go somewhere – to some other city, country whatever – the only thing I am experiencing is my mind and all it is presenting to me.

I was in Seattle once – a beautiful city, lakes, parks, houses in a row each one adorned with flowers, gorgeous healthy food in the grocery store near Tableau’s office. Even then, the only thing I was really experiencing was horror – for that was the state of my mind then. I could see the beauty from the corner of my eyes but the only thing I was experiencing was horror.

This is not about Seattle or that experience. Yet, it is clear evidence to me that the only thing I am ever experiencing is my mind. That I can experience horror and ecstasy both (sometimes even simultaneously), boredom and everything in between itself is so fascinating.

There was a time I used be scared of my mind. I could see that it contained so much energy – energy that can engulf me. I felt it had the ability to destroy me. Overwhelmed by the rush of thoughts I used to want to wrap it in a newspaper and throw it out of the window.

I do not feel scared anymore. I feel fascinated. Our mind is so wonderful, so worthy of being explored with love, not fear.

It might seem like if I am focused on my mind I am too self-centered. Well frankly I have been self-centered all along. Might as well accept the truth. Maybe all people are (self-centered). The question is just how expansive or limited we make our self to be. Despite my self-centeredness, sometimes when I do see and sense the beauty of another being, that too happens via my mind. That light enters my mind and that is how I receive that message of beauty in a fellow-being.

It is a tremendous gift that has been given to us – our mind. And we really can choose what we want to plant there. There really is no need to be slave to our mind. I think we never are. When we are not consciously experiencing our mind, we are just being numb. I used to be that way all the time before. I did not know any better. We are not taught to “experience our mind”. Even in that setting, while we are numb, our mind works for us, on our behalf. Our mind always works on our behalf, as per our bidding as we have tuned it, irrespective of whether we are conscious of our bidding or not.

At the same time, our mind is our connection point to the world and the universe and the energy force that powers it all. The first thought that occurs to me, the first “idea” that I get, to build something (say Kaavyaalaya way back in ’97, or Geet Gatiroop for example) – that idea, that thought sure came from somewhere beyond me – I cannot take credit for that first seed thought. At the maximum I can say that I caught the thought and acted on it, but the first thought surely came from “beyond”. And that is the case even as I continue to work on a project – there does seem to be a greater force that directs operations – keeping on sending next step directions to me via the wondrous phenomena of the mind and thoughts.

Absolutely fascinating! So worthy of careful study and observation. So imperative too. For like it or not, we all have been gifted by this super-powerful thing called the mind. Even if you want to, you *cannot* throw it out of the window. And so we *have to* be observant of our mind, know it better and tend to it. It is a must. And when we do that, fascination and rapture is inevitable. Along with terrifying and exhilarating roller-coaster rides, that is. Talk about adventure!


Image Credit: 95C / 92 Images. Pixabay.com

The Guide And The Demon

durga-puja-pandal-2016

Write *because* you are depressed. Write precisely because self-confidence is romping in the deep dark negatives. Even if you have nothing to say, write because you want to feel connected to yourself, your guide…

There is a guide and companion in me who is a friend. He has never failed me. There is also a demon in me who loves to hold me in it’s grips and thrash me about like a rag doll. Somehow, writing makes me feel more tangibly in connection with my guide-companion-friend. Most other times the mind is busy waltzing with the demon.

He, my guide, is very quiet. He does not order. He does not rage. He does not get excited at dreams coming true and other sundry candies. He does not keep presenting a report card on how I am doing every few seconds. The way to learn from my guide is simply to sit with him. His peace and equanimity simply relaxes everything. And then the demon storms in again…

And so it goes.

And so I have written. Some x number of words. Is it worthy of you dear reader? Here, in the midst of cacophonous internet, cacophonous Facebook, and our cacophonous mind. Raw and half-baked that it is. Without any “10 easy ways to go from demon to guide” guide?

Maybe it is worthy. For I am not unique. This guide and demon saga is playing in at least one other fellow being I would wager. Millions you say? Well then, millions it is. Together, we might as well intersperse this saga with a few chuckles when we can. And the more we can keep coming back again and again to our guide, in whatever way works for us, the better it gets (maybe), or the more challenging it gets (maybe). Whatever it gets, at least for those moments it gives a sense of ease (sometimes), similar to, quite simply, drinking water.


Image source: A puja pandal from the Kolkata 2016 Durga Pujas

so much love!

Ownership is a dangerous concept if it is left to you. The ego wants to have things for salvation, for possession is its law. Possession for its own sake is the ego’s fundamental creed, a basic cornerstone in the churches it builds to itself. And at its altar it demands you lay all of the things it bids you get, leaving you no joy in them.

Only the Holy Spirit knows what you need. For He will give you all things that do not block the way to light. And what else could you need? In time, He gives you all the things that you need have, and will renew them as long as you have need of them. He will take nothing from you as long as you have any need of it. And yet He knows that everything you need is temporary, and will but last until you step aside from all your needs and realize that all of them have been fulfilled.

Excerpt from the book “A Course In Miracles”

oneGoalPeace
Ownership is a dangerous concept if it is left to you. The ego wants to have things for salvation, for possession is its law. Possession for its own sake is the ego’s fundamental creed, a basic cornerstone in the churches it builds to itself. And at its altar it demands you lay all of the things it bids you get, leaving you no joy in them.

Everything the ego tells you that you need will hurt you. For although the ego urges you again and again to get, it leaves you nothing, for what you get it will demand of you. And even from the very hands that grasped it, it will be wrenched and hurled into the dust. For where the ego sees salvation it sees separation, and so you lose whatever you have gotten in its name. Therefore ask not of yourself what you need, for you do not know, and your advice to yourself will hurt you. For what you think you need will merely serve to tighten up your world against the light, and render you unwilling to question the value that this world can really hold for you.

Only the Holy Spirit knows what you need. For He will give you all things that do not block the way to light. And what else could you need? In time, He gives you all the things that you need have, and will renew them as long as you have need of them. He will take nothing from you as long as you have any need of it. And yet He knows that everything you need is temporary, and will but last until you step aside from all your needs and realize that all of them have been fulfilled. Therefore He has no investment in the things that He supplies, except to make certain that you will not use them on behalf of lingering in time. He knows that you are not at home there, and He wills no delay to wait upon your joyous homecoming.

Leave, then, your needs to Him. He will supply them with no emphasis at all upon them. What comes to you of Him comes safely, for He will ensure it never can become a dark spot, hidden in your mind and kept to hurt you. Under His guidance you will travel light and journey lightly, for His sight is ever on the journey’s end, which is His goal. God’s Son is not a traveller through outer worlds. However holy his perception may become, no world outside himself holds his inheritance. Within himself he has no needs, for light needs nothing but to shine in peace, and from itself to let the rays extend in quiet to infinity.

Whenever you are tempted to undertake a useless journey that would lead away from light, remember what you really want, and say:
The Holy Spirit leads me unto Christ, and where else
would I go? What need have I but to awake in Him?

Then follow Him in joy, with faith that He will lead you safely through all dangers to your peace of mind this world may set before you. Kneel not before the altars to sacrifice, and seek not what you surely lose. Content yourself with what you will surely keep, and be not restless, for you undertake a quiet journey to the peace of God, where He would have you be in quietness.

In me you have already overcome every temptation that would hold you back. We walk together on the way to quietness that is the gift of God. Hold me dear, for what except your brother can you need? We will restore to you the peace of mind that we must find together. The Holy Spirit will teach you to awaken unto us and to yourself. This is the only real need to be fulfilled in time. Salvation from the world lies only here. My peace I give you. Take it of me in glad exchange for all the world has offered but to take away. And we will spread it like a veil of light across the world’s sad face, in which we hide our brothers from the world, and it from them.

We cannot sing redemption’s hymn alone. My task is not completed until I have lifted every voice with mine. And yet it is not mine, for as it is my gift to you, so was it the Father’s gift to me, given me through His Spirit. The sound of it will banish sorrow from the mind of God’s most holy Son, where it cannot abide. Healing in time is needed, for joy cannot establish its eternal reign where sorrow dwells. You do not dwell here, but in eternity. You travel but in dreams, while safe at home. Give thanks to every part of you that you have taught how to remember you. Thus does the Son of God give thanks unto his Father for his purity.

Excerpt from the book “A Course In Miracles”.
Chapter 13 (The Guiltless World) Section VII (Attainment of the Real World).
Para 10 Line 10 to end of section.

The title “so much of love!” of the post was just my spontaneous exclamation upon reading this.
The painting “One Goal: Peace” has been done by yours truly.

Happy Art Play Day

Recounting the experience of my first ever art stall …

Sing Together: painting
Sing Together

It is that boy’s eyes. That is the main reason why I am writing this post.

It was a wonderful day. Truly a blessing for me. An experience of directly reaching out and connecting with so many people via art, via the art stall I put up at the Diwali Dhamaka (a fun fest) in Manipal this weekend. At the stall, I was selling some of my paintings and also had all the paraphernelia ready for people to come and make a painting themselves.

Time and again I am pulled back to the memories and snapshots of those facial expressions of so many people and it fills me with so much gratitude and a sense of fulfillment. I feel amazed: “connecting with people in such a way is possible?!” Well yes, it is possible. It happened girl.

There was this small girl, 6/8 yrs or so, beautiful face, enticing smile. She kept hovering around my stall. Someone asked me finally, “Is she your daughter?” I said, “No, she is my admirer.”, and her permanent sweet smile got even brighter broader. She had been waiting for me to finish painting the pizza box side that I would give her for free to use as a bookmark.

lightInYou

A young man – a pharmacy college student here at the university. He was so enamored. He stood there and pondered long at the wares I had available. When he finally sat down to paint one himself, he pondered over that for long, along with his lady friend. I quipped a bit with this guy with a tip, “don’t apply your head so much” and later shared another painting tip with him too late, “backgrounds first, water first, coconut tree later.” That he was having a go at it with childlike enthusiasm despite being very clueless about it was so fantastic. Most adults do not do that. I realized later, I should have been gentle with him as I was with the children, rather than mocking joking.

I learned first-hand from a boy the impact of holding the paintbrush from far even when painting on a tiny canvas – and his mother had whispered to me that he does not know painting!

A lady admired the art on display and spoke of how she loves painting, has tons of art material at home but can only do copies. That is a struggle I have seen many adults have. Their technique is great, they can make beautiful paintings, but only copies. I told her to go home today and let her hand move any which way it wanted. She seemed inspired by my suggestions and said so too. I hope she tries.

There were many many wonderful expressions and human connections, saved in my heart. Each one precious and beautiful. I want to share each one with you, but will come now to those boy’s eyes. It is that boy’s eyes. That is the main reason why I am writing this post.

A small boy, again, maybe 6 8 10 years old. In school uniform, wearing glasses. Probably the first child I have seen here wearing glasses here in Udupi-Manipal, for that feature stands out in my memory, apart from his eyes. There was something troubled about it, his eyes. He came again and again and admired the stall, asked me how I paint like this (to which I wish I had an answer that would have soothed him and brought a happy smile to his face).

Phoenix: painting
Phoenix

He came again and said “I have come to watch you paint.” I offered several times to him, “would you like to paint?”, he shook his head. After my nth asking, he said, “some other time.”. There was something very adult about the way he said “some other time”. It was sad.

He came again with his elder sister, a smartphone and a request expressed by his sister and not himself, even though he had been talking to me so far.

“He wants to take photos of the paintings.”

I said sure, and he took some photos of some, individually.

Whatever it was that was touching him so intensely, I hope and pray it finds self-expression.

That sounds like a sombre boy and encounter, but the whole day was a very happy art play day. Several dreams and wishes fulfilled: to sell my paintings, to share a “Art Play Place” with people, to earn some money after a hiatus of some 2.5 years.

Facebook status: feeling blessed. 🙂


Moon Shower: painting
Moon Shower

Art Stall Manipal 2014 Vani Murarka

One Single Human Here

The suffering on this planet –
it is one single pain
What are you fighting against

one
One Single Human Here

The suffering on this planet –
it is one single pain
What are you fighting against
What are you defending against
In your homes
In your offices
In seats of governments
On the streets

Really really feel your pain
Every sliver, texture
And you shall know
There is no my pain your pain
Man, are we connected!

Out of frantic “thinking” heads
Feel
feel

Feel in your body
Feel that black ink
Feel it shifting

feel
experience it
observe it
inside

and you will find

a vast open space
and you will find

power
for you will find

pain is a sensation
pain cannot kill you
and you will find

freedom from pain
and you will find

we are one.

there is
one single human here.


What Are Your Needs? Explicit Self Communication

… Whereas if you take time to actually sit down and think about, okay for me, personally—and for my family—what is “enough?” … So I explicitly asked myself in a notebook: “What Are Your Needs?”

Explicit Self Communication

Some days back I carried out an exercise in explicit self-communication that was very satisfying.

What do I mean by explicit self-communication?

I write down an explicit (life) question in a notebook and then write the first answer that comes to me. If the answer does not seem to be coming from my authentic self, I just write exactly the same question again. Somewhat like The Little Prince who would not let go until you answered his question. Such an exercise has proven to be very very helpful to me a few times in the past too. Helpful in bringing clarity and comfort to my mind.

For example, the first time I think I communicated with myself in this manner was when I asked myself (and answered), explicitly in writing: “What is my deepest intent?” I do not remember exactly what I wrote first, but for the first few times I kept writing things that did not ring true to me. “To be happy” or “To contribute to society” quite possibly might have been some of them. So I kept repeating the question again and again to myself [in writing]. Finally what came out, as I pushed myself more and more, rang true. I knew completely that it was the true and complete answer (at least at that moment).

The answer that came out was this:

now i am in the middle of the forest

i want to call out to me

i don’t want to use the name the world has assigned to me

yet, i want to call out to me.

here in this forest
i am there somewhere
i can sense myself

yes, that is my deepest intent

to meet me
to embrace myself

yes
yes

I do not perform such an exercise very often (though I do tend to be in the need for mental clarity much more often! ). I do it only when it comes naturally to me to do so. If I do it deliberately, because it is a wise, sensible and effective thing to do and maybe it will help, it invariably fizzles out in no time.

The actual physical writing of the question and answer, in a notebook – I suppose I find it so helpful because:

– there is just so much we can hold in the RAM of our brains, in trying to fix our life problems only by thinking
– a physical act is very helpful, rather than just gallivanting inside the mind only. It gives the feeling that the answer is flowing from somewhere through me, through my arms, fingers and pen onto the paper.
– it gives a sense of conversation which is very satisfying in the end. It feels one has been heard, understood and guided. Heard, understood and guided by one’s own self! How wonderful is that!

While in the example that I cited above, I kept repeating the question to myself, often it is also a matter of accepting the first answer that comes. What is the best choice? We alone are the best judge. This is an exercise that is totally personal. There is no one else involved to say what is right or wrong. I suppose the best indicator of such an exercise is if ultimately it leaves one feeling comparatively much more peaceful and settled than before starting the exercise.

Such an exercise is invariably very friendly, filled with an environment of trust and support. It is almost always carried out due to some frustration, struggle etc., so those feelings are there in the environment of the exercise. But someone [me] is accepting those feelings. In general, it is not easy to accept my frustrations and struggles in a friendly, trusting, supporting manner, when I am trying to just deal with them in my mind. But turning to the notebook, for a conversation with myself, somehow changes the dynamics and atmosphere.

So that was about explicit self communication. A life tool which I have found to be immensely helpful many a times.

But the title of the article starts with:

What are your needs?

Some days back I carried out an exercise in explicit self-communication, where I asked myself, in writing, in a notebook: What are your needs?

The motivation for asking myself this question was because I was at a particular stage of life, at career crossroads. It brought its own generous share of the unknown. The second motivation was a wonderful interview I read. I quote the relevant passage of the interview below:


Pancho: … it’s finding out what is enough? Once you find what is enough in your life, then the rest is abundance. …

AC: … you have to set limits to have a surplus. Our culture does everything it can do to prevent us from defining what enough is in our lives. Because if we don’t set limits, then we always feel like we need more.

RW: Right.

AC: Actually abundance is created by limits. Most people don’t understand that. If you don’t have limits, you’ll never have abundance, because you’ll always need more. Whereas if you take time to actually sit down and think about, okay for me, personally—and for my family—what is “enough?” Once you can be clear about that, then anything you get beyond that, you don’t need. At that point, right then and there, it becomes more than enough—by definition. And when you have more than enough, it’s a surplus—and you can share that, which is wonderful. Right? It actually makes it quite clear.

RW: I’m guessing that “enough” isn’t some stringent kind of austerity, but includes, let’s say, happiness, some kind of meaningful feeling.

AC: Well, yes. I would say “enough” is some way to meet our fundamental human needs. And our fundamental human needs include community and belonging and beauty and spaces that bring us to life—and an engagement with the world that is responsible and healthy. All these things are fundamental human needs, not just “did I eat something today?”


So I explicitly asked myself in a notebook:

What Are Your Needs?

And this is the answer that flowed out –

  • a comfortable pleasing place to live
  • good food to eat
  • decent clothes to wear
  • conveyance
  • health
  • enthusiasm
  • a sense of belonging
  • fulfilling work to occupy my hands and mind
  • companionship. connection and interaction with people.
  • a feeling of having made some satisfying contribution
  • appreciation
  • color – means to travel and do things that bring color and music to my heart and life
  • security – an assurance that my needs will be fulfilled – that what i need will come to me
  • freedom – to do what my heart says, freedom to be myself
  • freedom – from resentment, self-doubt, what-will-he-say/think and other mindsets that prevent me from moving
  • a fulfilling exchange of love and respect with the people in my life
  • connection to nature
  • connection to an internal ठहराव

For the curious reader who does not know Hindi, the best way I can translate “connection to an internal ठहराव” is: a connection to an internal place of stability / an internal home.

Well so my intention is not really to share what my needs are with the world. I just shared this actual list here (and all the other examples here), because I feel authentic examples are important to this article. It is about a true communication from me to you. But they are merely examples, the actual content of which are merely incidentally relevant for the purposes of this article. Your needs dear reader, how you answer this or any other question to yourself, may be somewhat similar and may be in many ways very different. Explicit self-communication is totally about our own self.

My intention is to share this exercise that I did and the experience of it with you, because I found it very worthwhile. Kind of like, I ate a tasty nourishing mango – maybe you would like to eat one too? Or, there is this nice place I visited. Here is the travelogue. 🙂

It sure felt very good and satisfying when I finished writing, when I finished answering: “What are your needs?”. It felt full and complete. There is nothing that I wished to change. Over the course of my life, 2 weeks 2 months later, it might change, but at that moment it was full and complete. At that moment, it just made me feel so “ok” to have said out all my needs explicitly. Rather than live with that constant fuzzy grating sense of not-having and neediness, to know clearly, explicitly, what are my needs.

Here itself in a way was a completion of the exercise. A sense of satisfaction filled my chest as I looked at my writing in the book. The reward was received.

I think explicit self-communication in this manner gives this satisfaction because one expresses oneself freely to someone in a trusting environment and feels the assurance of having been understood. That is something we all seek. The specialty is, one expresses herself to her own self and feels understood by her own self. Now that sure is a nice place to be!

With this particular “What are your needs” exercise, I continued with three more stages, which were also very interesting, revealing and satisfying. I share those with you too.

Where Do I Stand?

After feeling nice and happy and satisfied with myself for some time, I got curious. So where do I stand with respect to each of these needs right now? So I typed it all in Excel, and marked out where I stand with each one of my needs. This is what I came up with.

Green indicates that I feel I do have that “thing”. The length of green indicates the extent to which I felt the need has been fulfilled, with a maximum length defined indicating 100% fulfillment. For example, at the time of exercise, I felt my need for decent clothes to wear had been completely fulfilled. Red indicates that I feel I do not have that “thing” in my life. The length of red indicates the extent of scarcity that I feel. How critical the scarcity is.

Once again, the benefit of marking out where I stand with respect to my needs, was clarity. Right here, in front of me, I could see clearly where my “problem points”, or actually, “scarcity points” were. The red lines and the very short green lines, but specially the red lines. It helped to have articulated it clearly, to get a clear picture for myself – what exactly needed to be addressed. Somehow just a clear awareness of a “problem” many a times sets the ball rolling and the solution seems to happen by itself.

Where Did I Stand?

Then I became curious again. I wanted to see where I felt I was, with respect to these needs, at a particular painful time in my past. A time that still troubled me.

I re-marked the list as per my present perception of where I was at that time in the past.

The result

Now, that is really really nice! Look at the difference, then and now (now meaning the time when I carried out this exercise).

ntnt

I did feel that I have come much further ahead in life (not just in years, but in self-growth) since that time of painful past, but to see it like this sure was a ratification for my own self and my journey. Something to keep on one’s work board as a reminder of one’s strengths and the gifts received from life. Like graduate students are suggested that they keep a copy of their acceptance letter on their work board for times when they are sinking in self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

It helps to remind our self that we have made progress.

What can I conceive? What can I receive?

This part was interesting because it revealed the subtle thoughts inside me linked with the fulfillment of my needs.

So of course I want all my needs to be fulfilled. I wanted to see everything in green. However, everything in green of the 100% length conceptually seemed too unreal and plastic. I started marking out each item – to what extent did I consider them to be possible, feasible.

As I did it, this stage held other meanings: What can I imagine/conceptualize is possible for me? What am I comfortable to receive and hold in me?

This was the result. I have marked out the length indicating 100% complete fulfillment for your clarity.

These questions – “What can I imagine/conceptualize is possible for me? What am I comfortable to receive and hold in me?” are significant. They are equivalent to the questions: “Are your doors open?” or in Hindi: “आंचल कितना फैला है?”

If I cannot even imagine something is possible for me, or if I do so with a lot of trepidation, chances are that that itself contributes tremendously from keeping it away. Like, if I cannot imagine coming 1st in class is at all possible for me, chances are almost 100% that I will not, even if I harbor wishful desires for it. So maybe the first thing about the fulfillment of a need – do you think it is at all possible for you? If so, to what extent?

The second: What am I comfortable to receive and hold in me? Our needs or desires being fulfilled has a lot to do with whether our heart and mind is open enough to receive it. When I think of receiving appreciation, if my heart sinks back with sadness, that is an indicator. It is a pointer to something that is there in my heart/mind which likely comes and stands in the way, so that even if appreciation is coming to me, I do not receive it fully. Maybe I feel almost embarrassed and uneasy about it, if someone appreciates me. That indicates something to be looked into a bit deeper.

That is what I felt was the value of this part of the exercise – to mark out what I could conceive was possible for each of my self-professed needs. While I negotiated the length of green against each item that “felt” correct, I became keenly aware of thoughts and feelings inside me which were determining the “correct” length.

Some of the thoughts were almost comical or ironic in a way. Some very revealing to me of my own personality and knots in my heart/mind. For example, I was unable to make the “sense of belonging” any longer because it seemed marking it any longer would mean I am agreeing to merge and sacrifice my individuality. A greater fulfillment of having a sense of belonging seemed to demand that I would have to sacrifice something that I strongly value and have worked hard to freely express. Whether one indeed has to make such a sacrifice for feeling a sense of belonging as a fact or not, is not the point here. That it is an avenue into one’s own thinking pattern, that is the point. The sense of a give and take with an underlying tension that arose while arriving at the extent of fulfillment that I was comfortable with, was interesting, revealing and of value.

This part of the exercise I feel is also valuable as an explicit declaration for one’s self – what can I realistically aim for, as per where I am right now. Later of course, one may update one’s aims. For example, if you earn Rs. 2000 per month right now, conceiving earning Rs. 10,000 may seem more feasible, and something that can be realistically worked towards, than straight-away conceiving earning Rs. 100,000 per month. From that perspective, a diagrammatic representation of seeing all one’s needs fulfilled, to the extent that one is comfortable with, makes for a nice pin-up for one’s vision board.

So I happened to eat a tasty nourishing mango dear reader. Maybe you would like to eat one too? Maybe you would like to ask yourself explicity: “What are my needs?” Or use this manner of explicit self-communication some time, to ask yourself whatever you need to.

With love …


some feeling, some faith

i am young, i am old
i am new, fresh, untold.
i am wise, i am naive
it is on faith, that i thrive

i am young, i am old
i am new, fresh, untold.
i am wise, i am naive
it is on faith, that i thrive.

when it seems i am tormented
actually i am fermented.
for my sake? i do not know –
to be a channel pure, i know.

may each pain enable me
to shed my skins with thankful glee.
through my changing forms i go –
changeless, eternal, me to know.

~ vani murarka

to be me

i wish to be a butterfly.

i wish to ride the bare back horse
on vast and open greens –
wind blowing in my hair.

i wish the crackling fire beside,
below night sky –
a distant drum in the air.

i wish to be a butterfly.

i wish to ride the bare back horse
on vast and open greens –
wind blowing in my hair.

i wish the crackling fire beside,
below night sky –
a distant drum in the air.

the shimmering water of the stream
the silent singing night
the shadows of the trees alive
now that the trees sleep tight

i wish to touch.
yes the true touch.
hesitant, but
not very much.

the mud, the earth,
the bark, the skin,
the ripples, and the glow.
Her surface varied such!

the touch that tells
of inside spells –
a song hidden
under the skin.

i wish to smell
Her inside smell –
where i do find
that i do dwell.

to tribal be
to animal be
in earth rejoice –
to simply be.

i wish …

~ vani murarka